Thanks to ‘Orkut’!

I remember very clearly the days full of rain. And, we used to cover ourselves under the gigantic leaves of a small plant (I don’t remember the name), in spite of umbrella, while returning home from school (K.V. No. 2 Binnaguri Cantt.), whose water generally used to stain our uniforms permanently (We didn’t know to fear anyone that time).

Days when we used to play football, on the direction of our Physical trainer, irrespective of our will. In an hour of sports, throughout the academically busy weekly schedule of our school timetable, we always wished to play cricket. But our Physical trainer and sports coordinator always said “Ye bhi koi mausam hai cricket khelne ka, ye lo football aur khelo”. Having football in my hands (as I was the class monitor), I always used to forget that we wanted to play cricket and not football. And crazily, ran to the enormous and water-filled playground that our school possessed, and entering the nearest vacant football field (there were three football fields). Once we were in the field, ball was always taken over by our Tribal mates (taking advantage of their height and strong built ). Frustrated by just running within the field and hardly getting chance to touch the ball, we (some of the shorter mates) used to exit the game and play our own game with our own small ping-pong ball, which we had enough remained with us (thanks to our science project: crystal structure of diamond and graphite ).

Today, I met one of my friends of those days. He reminded me of the letters we often used to communicate after his father was transferred to another place (Northern Command Udhampur). Ha ha… we used letters….. as there were no phones, no mobiles, and no emails/computers/emails (possibly these were not affordable at that time) and we used to communicate through letters only. I hardly remember his face, and he told me that he was also not in a condition to recognize me even after looking my photos my Orkut album; though, we used to pass more than twelve hours a day together, in school, in field after school, cycling, and watching WWF together (and many more, I can hardly recall all those).

It is second time that Orkut connected me with a close, unforgettable and lost friend of mine. Thanks to Orkut! I am really grateful to Orkut, and Google for enhancing the features which makes it easy to search people and contact them.

Why only ‘Fear’?

Last night around one in the morning, I was alone at my place, when I was reading about ‘Ghost hunting’. I came to know about various concepts that ghost hunters use for investigation. It was quite learning and interesting as well.

However, I felt something more interesting in the whole scene.

While reading, I came to know about cold spots and Electromagnetic Fields that ghost hunters detect with their equipments to locate points of high paranormal activities. Although I did not have any of the equipments but I felt cold spots around me. Every single point in the space seemed to me the center of paranormal activities. And suddenly a pulse that sounded like fear initiated somewhere inside me and reached that every point, and again travelled back to its origin. When the pulse stroked me back, I felt the fear at its peak that gradually settled down. After that, no such pulses arose, but the fear that was initiated, remained until I found myself aware in the next morning again.

First thing: from where the wave started, and why?

We are brought up like that only. Our family and the people around us have always talked about ghosts and such paranormal activities that they have heard. That, every talk has embedded a seed of fear inside us, which I found as the origin of that pulse. Moreover, whenever we find any similar situation in present that we have ‘heard’, it is quite normal to recall all those things and the seed activates giving rise to such pulses.

This might be the possible answer.

Second thing: why the fear has become an integral part of our life?

We often come across situations, where we find similarities with our experience or past learning (might be a story only). Every experience implants a seed inside us that activates every time it is insisted. We have common experience with fear in so many forms that almost every situation activates the seed and we ‘fear’.

This might be the possible answer for above question.

Third thing: why only the fear has been an integral part of our life, why not courage, or honesty, or calmness, or peace, or happiness, or whatever we consider ‘good’ for us?

Probably everything can be answered by logic. But, this time I do not want answer, but a question within the readers’ ‘being’ that why only fear?

'Performance' Vs 'Self'

As I go deep inside me, I find myself oscillating around a mean position. Although I don’t know exactly where the mean position lye, but I am able to watch myself moving between two extreme positions. Between these two extreme positions, there are a number of situations where I behave differently. And my behavior at any instant depends directly or indirectly on the people around me and my motive for being in that situation. However, deep in the core I am the same irrespective of the situation and my behavior. If my observation is truthful, then the questions arise that: why the behavior is so important in the first place? Why do I try to perform well always to improve my behavior in the next place so that everyone around me, find me the way I want them to? If behavior is so superficial, why is it important to perform in every situation I face and not being what I really am?

Is it so because I am afraid of being rejected by others? Or am I not able to face what others really think about me? Or I simply do not want to let anyone perceive myself the way I do not want? Or am I grown too much insensitive towards my own self? Or was I never that sensitive for my own ‘self’?

I have started this blog to create a channel for myself to reflect truly what I am and not what I am expected to be. Hopefully, this will help me to keep myself as close to my mean position as possible.